Know Who You Are At Every Age.

 

Hi again, it has been a hot minute since I have wrote here.

I was sitting on my kitchen counter at 5am, drinking a cup of tea, admiring the soft light of the hallway seeping in, and how gentle the moment was. My own kitchen. I am not a child anymore. My kitchen is a safe spot where comfort is never denied, and you don't need to sneak around or be quiet, hiding your presence fearfully; it is my space to take over.

My spices and my fridge and everything in the room is mine, sometimes the transition from adulthood from a child is so fast you forget to realise where you are. Keep your feet grounded in remembering the little girl who sat on her bunk bed watching the window, dreaming of the days when she would have her own adult life is still in you. She couldn't wait to grow up, but now I wish I were her. I feel sorry for her sometimes. She thought way beyond her years, and she nurtured herself when she wished someone else would. Sometimes I feel unlovable because the stories she told us, she deeply believed that she was unlovable. It is hard to accept love when you tell yourself that for 22 years that if your parents can't accept you, who will? Your emotional needs are too much, you are too sensitive, name one person who has not told us that! You cry over everything. What's the issue now? You care too much about life's misfortunes. Stop feeling sorry for animals; they don't have the same emotional capacity as humans.

I will never stop feeling sorry for animals. The innocence and love behind their eyes far surpass any human. They accept based on kindness, non-verbal languages, and the gentle movement and breathing of kindred spirits is intuitive. A horse's eye can tell a million stories, but don't look directly in it; it is a threat.

Eye contact for many animals is threatening; maybe it's why I am averse to it. Sometimes I get words like adverse and averse confused; if the letters are too similar, I use them out of place. It makes me feel dumb that I cannot remember the difference. I am just an animal lost in the world, as a woman, I feel inclined to compare myself to a deer or a rabbit, a prey running, anxious, alert, lost with big gazing eyes who does not understand the world around her, but I do, in fact, understand too much. I understood too much when I was a child. I knew when people had tension before the words shattered the silence, I knew when my dad wasn't paying attention to my words, I am just a child after all, I don't understand the nuance in the looks adults give each other. But I do. Maybe I am a horse, picking up on the shift in your breathing pattern before you even make a sound. You could speak words not of my mother tongue, and I still know. 

She loved the way that art captured life. The movements, the colours, the art gallery where silent thoughts to yourself and observation is allowed. Listening to the words of poetry, how others captured the vast, infinite of the indescribable in made-up symbols. Reading is [google: another word for something indescribable]. English class taught me not to repeat the same words; it is sloppy. A stream-of-consciousness blog like Virginia Woolf, but that is the way our brains work. I enjoy the human thought process. 

Reading is indescribable. I am always amazed by how learning these symbols unlocks so much knowledge. We have found a way to capture speech directly. Oh, how I love knowing things, and reading, and learning things from being able to read. I love thinking about knowing, but this would stress her out. How can I know it all? I want to know it all! 16-year-old me cried. She wanted to live infinitely so she could know everything there is in the universe. I will never know everything, but I have learnt to accept that. 

Reading is too quiet. I like voices. I like the voice in music, in the bass guitar, piano, and drums. I like the voice of a singer when she is soft and wispy and makes you feel like you are the dreamgirl protagonist in an indie movie. I like it when the singer tells you very directly what their song is about; they don't even sing, they talk like some atmospheric poetry with sounds in the background that you listen to on the way to work and reflect on your own life. I like it when you find something in your life that relates to lyrics, and you can sing them. I like the way it transports you into her from the past and all her versions. I like it when you love a song, you get so excited and filled with passion, and you are unsure if you will ever meet someone who feels pure whimsy and joy as intensely as you do. Maybe not, people aren't as sensitive as you, but that's why you are grateful for your sensitivity. 

I love being you so much, and I love existing in your life, Courtney.

Love yourself. 

References/author's note:

I wanted to add some of the songs I was thinking about when writing this. For the voice of a singer when she is soft and wispy, '23' by Blonde Redhead. Honestly, most Blonde Redhead songs fit this category. 

Also, 'Know Who You Are At Every Age' by Cocteau Twins. This song goes more into lyrics I like or songs that have importance to me. It is usually my crying/upset song, as I love the lyrics "I won't heal unless I cry" and "I won't heal 'til I let it go" It is a message to remember the power and release in crying, and it isn't a negative. It is also a reminder of the child in me and everything I have gone through with the title of the song :) 

'Losing Haringey' by The Clientele just reminds me of living in London, and going for walks in new places when I had nothing to do. I love the narration of the song; I lose myself in listening to it every time it plays. I listened to it for the first time when walking to work. Sun Kil Moon also has a similar style (see also Slint and The Microphones for a more prog-rock vibe) (see The Power of Pussy by Bongwater for a more 90s vibe, but content warning. https://hauntedcreekcafe.blogspot.com/2011/01/review-bongwater-power-of-pussy.html for further reading. I really love this album. I listened to it the first time in full to jam out, then a second time to listen to the lyrics. Some highlights are the title track 'The Power of Pussy', 'Chicken Pussy' and 'What Kind of Man Reads Playboy?')

'Slow Talkin' by Haley Heynderickx. "Don't go drop-kick your intuition" LISTEN TO IT. I also love the way she giggles at around 1:38, then you can hear her smiling whilst singing in the next line. 

Okay, I love music. I will leave it there, or I will be here too long.

Becoming - or returning to self.

 Hi!

The word 'becoming' comes to mind for this entry. On second thought, it may be 'returning' as I don't feel like I am becoming someone new. I feel that I am stepping into who I was, who I lost long ago, when I was clouded with doubt, shame and low self-value. My path hasn't been linear, but I feel that I am blossoming with new life, and I am so thankful to have it back. I am so grateful I have returned home to myself after losing myself. Lockdown affected me so badly that it has taken so many years for me to remember how to live again and to do things. Over the past year, I have really settled and nurtured a safe environment for me to be present in, but it has only been in the past month that I have been able to take that seed into the world. Last summer I went to a lot of conscious festivals and surrounded myself with so many uplifting souls, but I really wasn't in the best space to receive this. Living in a really toxic household left me feeling frustrated, drained and depleted. I was so fed up with life. I had a lot come out at events like those, a lot of tears were shed, and I started to process things that I knew I held in me. Since moving out and finally allowing my nervous system to rest, another wave of emotions has surfaced. Things I didn't even know I held onto came out, winter was dark and isolating. 'The Village' (a spiritual family) winter retreat made me feel less isolated, and now I am so thankful for summer to be here. I never understood winter blues (as I felt blue all year!), but gosh, I am so happy the world is blooming alongside me. I am so grateful I am in a space where I can be authentic and vulnerable and honestly, scared, but fear doesn't feel bad. It feels exciting as it brings along new opportunities. I really have grown to like the person that I am, and I continue to surround myself with people who see me. They don't paint out my story wrongly to make themselves feel better; they witness me. And with love! It is so lovely to be around people who care, who have empathy for everything, whether it be a living creature or a plant. I am bursting at the seams with love and excitement for the world. I am so excited for all the experiences I have yet to experience.

I have to be honest, I reinstalled social media over the weekend, and once in the week. I have deleted it again, but I did get into a mindless scroll. At first, when I uninstalled it, I was having a lot more joy from it, rather than it just being brain-numbing content. I found so many videos genuinely funny, and I was laughing so much. However, I started to open social media more frequently, so it is gone now. Weirdly, I don't feel like I have failed, which is new for my usual perfectionist ways. I think it is unrealistic to expect me to never ever open a single social media app again, so just reducing it to using Instagram once every few weeks is a massive step in the right direction. I did some watercolours the other day and I loved it, I read a book, went to the library with a friend, went out for lunch with a friend too and my sleep schedule has been *relatively* normal (I have woken up at 6am-10am most days which is rare!) however I have had the odd late night. 

I was supposed to write this on Monday, then Tuesday, etc., etc. It is Friday and I have just got round to it, and I feel acceptance of that. It is nice to not feel guilty for not following a rule set by myself. I let go of the need to pressure myself and allow gentle kindness in. Yippie. That's something that wouldn't have happened this time last year. 

Next weekend I am going to a spiritual festival with my fav girl ever, Bonnie. I am so excited for it! I don't actually have a lot else to write on this week, hence the delayed post.

Anyways, I will sign off.

Love yourself, Courtney

Imperfection is a good thing.

 Hi again!

It has been a week without social media, and it has been much easier than I expected. I think it is because I have been keeping myself busy, so busy that I am actually exhausted and enjoying every moment to myself that I can get! 

Without having so many hours wasted scrolling, I have been a lot more in tune with myself. I have a lot more mental clarity and have been able to dedicate my days to doing things that inspire me. In turn, I have hardly played any video games the past week, when I used to be really addicted. My screen is hardly on, and I am letting myself feel bored. I forgot what true boredom was like; I only knew the feeling of being drained by consuming so much media. I think I like true boredom, as I have been getting a lot of inspiration for creative projects or reflecting on and processing life in these quiet moments. 

A lot of my insecurity issues have faded, and my self-worth has increased. Having a constant feed of pretty people, productive people, rich people, etc., does make you feel like you are failing in every aspect of your life. All these people are just so much better and cooler than I could ever be was my thought process, and when every video seems so great, it is hard to remind yourself that you are only seeing a slice of their life. You are only seeing what they want you to see, not the full picture. Not seeing it is amazing! I am letting go of the need for things to be perfect all the time. We are a part of nature, and nature is not perfect and linear, so letting go of these expectations for myself has unlocked a new sense of peace. 

I have been delaying writing this for a while, due to the need inside of me to be perfect. I want to write a blog that people will want to read, and every word choice will be beautiful and poetic, and the whole thing will flow so smoothly. It is intimidating to write and release my work online when I have only ever written for myself in a physical journal before. But it is good to get out of your comfort zone, you can never change if you stay in safety. A lot of things in my life have changed in the past month, and it is scary. I don't have a rock to ground myself on anymore, and I do feel quite lonely, and I wish my life could be different in X, Y and Z ways, but it is not. I have been listening to a lot of music lately, like a lot, and maybe that is my rock. Lyrics always inspire me, and the songs I like are so beautiful. I really, really love music. Anyways, I digress. Over the past few days, I kept thinking of things I could write about, things that people would want to read, but now I am actually writing, and none of it is popping up. Funny how that works. I have no sense of direction or structure whilst I write this, but I think that is okay. The point of this blog was to create a space for me to write and reflect, so let it be that.

This weekend, I went to a nature/arts therapy course. It runs once a month, and every month they focus on a different plant. This month was the Oak tree, so we had some warm-up sessions, choosing an object in nature and exploring the qualities of it as well as the qualities of Oak, before we walked through the forest to a huge Oak tree. We took some time to explore the tree using touch, smell and vision before creating our piece. I wrote a poem inspired by the tree. One of the qualities of Oak we identified was strength, however, they are not strong because of how tall they are, but how deep their roots grow. Strength is unseen and doesn't have to be proved. I want to work on growing stronger roots to support myself. If I have a stronger sense of self, I won't melt at criticism as easily as I do right now.

I love my friend Bonnie so much. She is my strength. She inspires me so much, she fills me with so much joy, she is so wise and gives good advice. She is so uniquely herself, I admire her, and I always learn so much from her. Last year, she moved away, and we lost contact a little due to the distance, but last month, we met up again, and it reminded me how much I value her. She is the sort of person I never want to lose, and I would say I want more friends like her, but actually, she is enough. She fills my cup, and I love her. (Note: she actually phoned me halfway through writing this to catch up!)

My lesson for this week is that imperfection is good and there is strength in it. It is crazy to expect things to be 100% perfect, and making mistakes is good. It is scary to get things wrong, but this is how we progress, and being out of my comfort zone is actually a little exciting and teaches me about my potential. This entry seems a bit chaotic and doesn't follow a real structure in my head, but I am going to publish it anyway. I am actually very scared to do this, as I am not as happy with this entry as I can be. But that is okay, it is not a weakness to make mistakes or to be vulnerable, and if you don't like reading this, get off my turf!! This is my space to be me, and I have the strength to be authentic. 

I am running out of steam now and want to do something else, so I will sign off now.

Love yourself, Courtney 

First post!!

 Hi!

So this is my first post. Isn't this intimidating? I class myself as an old soul, so I am not the biggest fan of social media. It overwhelms me a lot, and I find I make a lot of comparisons and undersell myself. I also waste my life rotting away, scrolling, wishing that I were someone else.

The truth of the matter is that my brain is overwhelmed. Trying to be so many things and wishing to be as perfect as the content that comes up on my screen really IS overwhelming to do. I have lost sight of who I am and my sense of self, so from today, (05/05/25) I am deleting social media and beginning to engage more with creativity and life energy. 

I am starting this blog to try and hold myself accountable and document the positive in my life. Maybe I will use it loads, maybe not at all - who knows? But it is here if I want it, which is comforting to remember.

When I was younger, I used to have SO many hobbies, but I have replaced them with doomscrolling. I love art, reading, writing, penpalling, listening to music, journaling, birds, I LOVE BIRDS, oh, and trees, they are beautiful! This life is made to be experienced, so I want to experience it. I do not want to experience lying in bed all day on my phone, feeling miserable. I feel so good when I am creative, but I don't feel so good when I scroll. So I am consciously making the choice to change my habits and improve.

I am scared that it won't last. Sometimes, I have really bad motivation for things (such as my university work) I leave my deadlines until the last minute then rush my work. This does actually really upset me, as I love my subject and I love writing so why don't I just do it? (The answer is I have become addicted to easy dopamine!) By unlearning to rely on easy dopamine and having to work for it I should have more motivation for difficult things.

2 years ago, I went vegan due to being disgusted by the dairy/egg industry and the cruelty of it. I would say this was one of the hardest choices of my life. I actually cried because I love melted cheese so much. All vegan cheeses tasted shit, I loved M&Ms and the realisation I would never eat them again was uncomfortable. I had the willpower and determination to not cave, as I just reminded myself of why I was doing it. My motivator/goal was that I was so disgusted over the treatment of animals, I wanted to stop supporting industries that cause harm to them. It was one of the best decisions of my life. Not only do I feel nice knowing my money doesn't go to hurting creatures, but veganism is both better for the planet and my health. My addiction to sugar/dairy stopped creating much healthier eating habits, and I very rarely have junk food. Even when I do eat chocolate, it is ethical and healthy, unlike big chocolate companies. Yes, I am paying a little bit more, but workers are getting a fair wage, animals aren't being hurt, and my body is much happier. I would take that over sugary processed junk any day. My point is that if I can do that, I do have the capacity to change my life in other ways, too. I am a lot better than I give myself credit for, and my achievements should be celebrated by me, not ignored. I am proud of myself for going vegan. 

I have ADHD and Autism so it is very easy to get sucked into addictions, my brain craves dopamine. I will make a list of things that give me dopamine that is not social media: the stars, the moon, animals, trees, birds, water, walks, the wind/breeze, music, drawing, writing, reading, talking to friends, tea, poetry, pretty photography, philosophy, learning/education, discussions, street art, dance, singing, cooking, flowers, chocolate, cats, incense, candles, bunny, my mum, the list goes on. I do not need my phone to enjoy things. Be grateful for what I do have in the world around me, and be content with where I am. I literally do have the power to change my life by creating healthy habits rather than unhealthy ones.

I do love computer games, so I need to set some rules so I don't use them to fill my dopamine cup. I am not allowed on games until 2-5pm. This means I get everything I need to get done before I sit and play. Get off games at 10-11pm so that I can go to bed on time and keep a regular sleep schedule. I am not allowed to play games until I have done the dishes, otherwise, they do not get done. NO PICKING GAMES OVER IRL SOCIAL EVENTS (unless I am feeling very drained, then yes, treat yourself)

Okay, I will end this first entry here. onwards and upwards from here!

Love yourself, Courtney