Imperfection is a good thing.

 Hi again!

It has been a week without social media, and it has been much easier than I expected. I think it is because I have been keeping myself busy, so busy that I am actually exhausted and enjoying every moment to myself that I can get! 

Without having so many hours wasted scrolling, I have been a lot more in tune with myself. I have a lot more mental clarity and have been able to dedicate my days to doing things that inspire me. In turn, I have hardly played any video games the past week, when I used to be really addicted. My screen is hardly on, and I am letting myself feel bored. I forgot what true boredom was like; I only knew the feeling of being drained by consuming so much media. I think I like true boredom, as I have been getting a lot of inspiration for creative projects or reflecting on and processing life in these quiet moments. 

A lot of my insecurity issues have faded, and my self-worth has increased. Having a constant feed of pretty people, productive people, rich people, etc., does make you feel like you are failing in every aspect of your life. All these people are just so much better and cooler than I could ever be was my thought process, and when every video seems so great, it is hard to remind yourself that you are only seeing a slice of their life. You are only seeing what they want you to see, not the full picture. Not seeing it is amazing! I am letting go of the need for things to be perfect all the time. We are a part of nature, and nature is not perfect and linear, so letting go of these expectations for myself has unlocked a new sense of peace. 

I have been delaying writing this for a while, due to the need inside of me to be perfect. I want to write a blog that people will want to read, and every word choice will be beautiful and poetic, and the whole thing will flow so smoothly. It is intimidating to write and release my work online when I have only ever written for myself in a physical journal before. But it is good to get out of your comfort zone, you can never change if you stay in safety. A lot of things in my life have changed in the past month, and it is scary. I don't have a rock to ground myself on anymore, and I do feel quite lonely, and I wish my life could be different in X, Y and Z ways, but it is not. I have been listening to a lot of music lately, like a lot, and maybe that is my rock. Lyrics always inspire me, and the songs I like are so beautiful. I really, really love music. Anyways, I digress. Over the past few days, I kept thinking of things I could write about, things that people would want to read, but now I am actually writing, and none of it is popping up. Funny how that works. I have no sense of direction or structure whilst I write this, but I think that is okay. The point of this blog was to create a space for me to write and reflect, so let it be that.

This weekend, I went to a nature/arts therapy course. It runs once a month, and every month they focus on a different plant. This month was the Oak tree, so we had some warm-up sessions, choosing an object in nature and exploring the qualities of it as well as the qualities of Oak, before we walked through the forest to a huge Oak tree. We took some time to explore the tree using touch, smell and vision before creating our piece. I wrote a poem inspired by the tree. One of the qualities of Oak we identified was strength, however, they are not strong because of how tall they are, but how deep their roots grow. Strength is unseen and doesn't have to be proved. I want to work on growing stronger roots to support myself. If I have a stronger sense of self, I won't melt at criticism as easily as I do right now.

I love my friend Bonnie so much. She is my strength. She inspires me so much, she fills me with so much joy, she is so wise and gives good advice. She is so uniquely herself, I admire her, and I always learn so much from her. Last year, she moved away, and we lost contact a little due to the distance, but last month, we met up again, and it reminded me how much I value her. She is the sort of person I never want to lose, and I would say I want more friends like her, but actually, she is enough. She fills my cup, and I love her. (Note: she actually phoned me halfway through writing this to catch up!)

My lesson for this week is that imperfection is good and there is strength in it. It is crazy to expect things to be 100% perfect, and making mistakes is good. It is scary to get things wrong, but this is how we progress, and being out of my comfort zone is actually a little exciting and teaches me about my potential. This entry seems a bit chaotic and doesn't follow a real structure in my head, but I am going to publish it anyway. I am actually very scared to do this, as I am not as happy with this entry as I can be. But that is okay, it is not a weakness to make mistakes or to be vulnerable, and if you don't like reading this, get off my turf!! This is my space to be me, and I have the strength to be authentic. 

I am running out of steam now and want to do something else, so I will sign off now.

Love yourself, Courtney