Know Who You Are At Every Age.

 

Hi again, it has been a hot minute since I have wrote here.

I was sitting on my kitchen counter at 5am, drinking a cup of tea, admiring the soft light of the hallway seeping in, and how gentle the moment was. My own kitchen. I am not a child anymore. My kitchen is a safe spot where comfort is never denied, and you don't need to sneak around or be quiet, hiding your presence fearfully; it is my space to take over.

My spices and my fridge and everything in the room is mine, sometimes the transition from adulthood from a child is so fast you forget to realise where you are. Keep your feet grounded in remembering the little girl who sat on her bunk bed watching the window, dreaming of the days when she would have her own adult life is still in you. She couldn't wait to grow up, but now I wish I were her. I feel sorry for her sometimes. She thought way beyond her years, and she nurtured herself when she wished someone else would. Sometimes I feel unlovable because the stories she told us, she deeply believed that she was unlovable. It is hard to accept love when you tell yourself that for 22 years that if your parents can't accept you, who will? Your emotional needs are too much, you are too sensitive, name one person who has not told us that! You cry over everything. What's the issue now? You care too much about life's misfortunes. Stop feeling sorry for animals; they don't have the same emotional capacity as humans.

I will never stop feeling sorry for animals. The innocence and love behind their eyes far surpass any human. They accept based on kindness, non-verbal languages, and the gentle movement and breathing of kindred spirits is intuitive. A horse's eye can tell a million stories, but don't look directly in it; it is a threat.

Eye contact for many animals is threatening; maybe it's why I am averse to it. Sometimes I get words like adverse and averse confused; if the letters are too similar, I use them out of place. It makes me feel dumb that I cannot remember the difference. I am just an animal lost in the world, as a woman, I feel inclined to compare myself to a deer or a rabbit, a prey running, anxious, alert, lost with big gazing eyes who does not understand the world around her, but I do, in fact, understand too much. I understood too much when I was a child. I knew when people had tension before the words shattered the silence, I knew when my dad wasn't paying attention to my words, I am just a child after all, I don't understand the nuance in the looks adults give each other. But I do. Maybe I am a horse, picking up on the shift in your breathing pattern before you even make a sound. You could speak words not of my mother tongue, and I still know. 

She loved the way that art captured life. The movements, the colours, the art gallery where silent thoughts to yourself and observation is allowed. Listening to the words of poetry, how others captured the vast, infinite of the indescribable in made-up symbols. Reading is [google: another word for something indescribable]. English class taught me not to repeat the same words; it is sloppy. A stream-of-consciousness blog like Virginia Woolf, but that is the way our brains work. I enjoy the human thought process. 

Reading is indescribable. I am always amazed by how learning these symbols unlocks so much knowledge. We have found a way to capture speech directly. Oh, how I love knowing things, and reading, and learning things from being able to read. I love thinking about knowing, but this would stress her out. How can I know it all? I want to know it all! 16-year-old me cried. She wanted to live infinitely so she could know everything there is in the universe. I will never know everything, but I have learnt to accept that. 

Reading is too quiet. I like voices. I like the voice in music, in the bass guitar, piano, and drums. I like the voice of a singer when she is soft and wispy and makes you feel like you are the dreamgirl protagonist in an indie movie. I like it when the singer tells you very directly what their song is about; they don't even sing, they talk like some atmospheric poetry with sounds in the background that you listen to on the way to work and reflect on your own life. I like it when you find something in your life that relates to lyrics, and you can sing them. I like the way it transports you into her from the past and all her versions. I like it when you love a song, you get so excited and filled with passion, and you are unsure if you will ever meet someone who feels pure whimsy and joy as intensely as you do. Maybe not, people aren't as sensitive as you, but that's why you are grateful for your sensitivity. 

I love being you so much, and I love existing in your life, Courtney.

Love yourself. 

References/author's note:

I wanted to add some of the songs I was thinking about when writing this. For the voice of a singer when she is soft and wispy, '23' by Blonde Redhead. Honestly, most Blonde Redhead songs fit this category. 

Also, 'Know Who You Are At Every Age' by Cocteau Twins. This song goes more into lyrics I like or songs that have importance to me. It is usually my crying/upset song, as I love the lyrics "I won't heal unless I cry" and "I won't heal 'til I let it go" It is a message to remember the power and release in crying, and it isn't a negative. It is also a reminder of the child in me and everything I have gone through with the title of the song :) 

'Losing Haringey' by The Clientele just reminds me of living in London, and going for walks in new places when I had nothing to do. I love the narration of the song; I lose myself in listening to it every time it plays. I listened to it for the first time when walking to work. Sun Kil Moon also has a similar style (see also Slint and The Microphones for a more prog-rock vibe) (see The Power of Pussy by Bongwater for a more 90s vibe, but content warning. https://hauntedcreekcafe.blogspot.com/2011/01/review-bongwater-power-of-pussy.html for further reading. I really love this album. I listened to it the first time in full to jam out, then a second time to listen to the lyrics. Some highlights are the title track 'The Power of Pussy', 'Chicken Pussy' and 'What Kind of Man Reads Playboy?')

'Slow Talkin' by Haley Heynderickx. "Don't go drop-kick your intuition" LISTEN TO IT. I also love the way she giggles at around 1:38, then you can hear her smiling whilst singing in the next line. 

Okay, I love music. I will leave it there, or I will be here too long.