Hi!
The word 'becoming' comes to mind for this entry. On second thought, it may be 'returning' as I don't feel like I am becoming someone new. I feel that I am stepping into who I was, who I lost long ago, when I was clouded with doubt, shame and low self-value. My path hasn't been linear, but I feel that I am blossoming with new life, and I am so thankful to have it back. I am so grateful I have returned home to myself after losing myself. Lockdown affected me so badly that it has taken so many years for me to remember how to live again and to do things. Over the past year, I have really settled and nurtured a safe environment for me to be present in, but it has only been in the past month that I have been able to take that seed into the world. Last summer I went to a lot of conscious festivals and surrounded myself with so many uplifting souls, but I really wasn't in the best space to receive this. Living in a really toxic household left me feeling frustrated, drained and depleted. I was so fed up with life. I had a lot come out at events like those, a lot of tears were shed, and I started to process things that I knew I held in me. Since moving out and finally allowing my nervous system to rest, another wave of emotions has surfaced. Things I didn't even know I held onto came out, winter was dark and isolating. 'The Village' (a spiritual family) winter retreat made me feel less isolated, and now I am so thankful for summer to be here. I never understood winter blues (as I felt blue all year!), but gosh, I am so happy the world is blooming alongside me. I am so grateful I am in a space where I can be authentic and vulnerable and honestly, scared, but fear doesn't feel bad. It feels exciting as it brings along new opportunities. I really have grown to like the person that I am, and I continue to surround myself with people who see me. They don't paint out my story wrongly to make themselves feel better; they witness me. And with love! It is so lovely to be around people who care, who have empathy for everything, whether it be a living creature or a plant. I am bursting at the seams with love and excitement for the world. I am so excited for all the experiences I have yet to experience.
I have to be honest, I reinstalled social media over the weekend, and once in the week. I have deleted it again, but I did get into a mindless scroll. At first, when I uninstalled it, I was having a lot more joy from it, rather than it just being brain-numbing content. I found so many videos genuinely funny, and I was laughing so much. However, I started to open social media more frequently, so it is gone now. Weirdly, I don't feel like I have failed, which is new for my usual perfectionist ways. I think it is unrealistic to expect me to never ever open a single social media app again, so just reducing it to using Instagram once every few weeks is a massive step in the right direction. I did some watercolours the other day and I loved it, I read a book, went to the library with a friend, went out for lunch with a friend too and my sleep schedule has been *relatively* normal (I have woken up at 6am-10am most days which is rare!) however I have had the odd late night.
I was supposed to write this on Monday, then Tuesday, etc., etc. It is Friday and I have just got round to it, and I feel acceptance of that. It is nice to not feel guilty for not following a rule set by myself. I let go of the need to pressure myself and allow gentle kindness in. Yippie. That's something that wouldn't have happened this time last year.
Next weekend I am going to a spiritual festival with my fav girl ever, Bonnie. I am so excited for it! I don't actually have a lot else to write on this week, hence the delayed post.
Anyways, I will sign off.
Love yourself, Courtney
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